You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
