im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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