Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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