If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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