you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
