I am spending my child support on dildos
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
