this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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