just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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