he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
