wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
