Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
