Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
