Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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