Cold hands, warm shart.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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