Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
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