My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Randomize
