got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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