I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
