Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize