Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
