I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
