Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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