There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
