I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
