yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
