i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
