Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I could fuck to npr.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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