if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
