I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
