They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
