when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
