and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm really busy with my period
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