I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
