Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
