the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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