He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
