you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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