My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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