you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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