She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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