omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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