That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
