I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
