ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
