Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
