dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
