I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
