You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Randomize
