I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
