You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
