Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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