I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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