I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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