What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
