Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize