I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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