i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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