I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
