You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
