i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Randomize
