I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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